Lord Coltrane Haute Life | How to Have Sexy Fun at the Banquet Table

How to Have Sexy Fun at the Banquet Table

November 21, 2014  •  Leave a Comment

© Lord Coltrane "Naughty & Nice" - Custom Lord Coltrane gown


Next week kicks off a holiday frenzy that most children adore, and some adults secretly dread.  I know I should be focusing on gratitude, family, and the "blessings of the harvest" during this Thanksgiving holiday, but I'm not.


Instead, I'd like to shine light on the stressful parts of gathering for the holidays...then how we can have fun with it. 


A Few Stresses:

  • It can take up to 4 hours to cook a turkey.  There are so many rules about making a turkey perfect; brine it, roast it upside down, deep fry it, stick a beer can in it, massage butter under the skin, wrap it up in bacon (I combine them all, just in case).  Who wants to cook for that long (other than chefs)?
  • All the side dishes are fattening...carbs, carbs with marshmallows, creamy fat drippings, butter, butter, butter. There goes the waist line!
  • Too many people at the banquet table, or not enough.  Either everyone has a family obligation, so you feel like the outcast invite.  Or, crazy aunts, possessed children, and hard to please friends descend upon your home as you slave away in the kitchen. 
  • Even if it is a potluck, somebody is going to bring the jello mold with fake fruit and some creamy weirdness that you all have to eat.
  • Clean up. Everyone is too sleepy to help clean up. It happens all the time.


How to "Sexify" the Thanksgiving L-Tryptophan Blues:

  • If you are hosting Thanksgiving dinner, you can do three things to make your life easier.
    1. Inspired by the Movie Mr. & Mrs. Smith, order a pre-made meal that you can doctor up yourself with extra butter and garlic. Pretend you made it.
    2. Prepare everything in skimpy lingerie and fluffy heeled kitten slippers. 
    3. Assign everyone a specific potluck side and give each a sexy name.
  • Create a dress theme for your dinner.  People hate this, but when we are asked to step up and think about ourselves and the dinner party, we are much more involved.  Your guests will be annoyed while at home getting ready, but when they see other people in pilgrim wear, feathered headdresses, or even evening gowns, they'll have more fun than in their "mom jeans."
  • If you are going to a dinner, put on an evening gown or cocktail dress that makes you feel good. Wear sexy undies beneath it.  As the other guests drink a little too much, or are slowing down with too many extra helpings, you get a little turn on.
  • Whether you are a guest or hosting, enjoy a few secret kegels or any sexy self stimulation under the table.  This will help you keep in touch with your body.


While most women will think more about how much time they have left to cook their turkey, you will be thinking about how fabulous it feels making stuffed turkey in your negligee.  Instead of having a spot of gravy on your sweater, you'll change into something ravishing (with a hidden piece of sexiness just for you).  When all the other guests sit at the table numb with stuffing (literally and figuratively), you will be enjoying an intimate charge for your personal pleasure.


I hope you have the juiciest, most satisfying, and delicious Thanksgiving dinner!





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