What you think, you create.

What you FEEL, you ATTRACT.

What you Imagine, you become.

MY KIND OF LOVER.   Some people are looking to find a perfect partner, while others try to mold their partners into this idea of the perfect person they've always wanted. 

It's rare to find a couple who truly has a perfect relationship full of BALANCED love, passion, sex, intellect, abundance, friendship, and variety.  But if you do come across one of these rare specimens, please keep them in your circle. They can teach you about how much you are willing to give (which translates into get) in terms of love!

Many of us have been raised with some degree of dysfunction.  It could be that one parent dominates over the other, or there was a lot of fighting, or there was no talking or passion whatsoever, or there was a divorce (approximately 50% of marriages end in divorce), or plenty of other reasons.  According to many therapists, it's how we were loved that makes all the difference in our loving.  Esther Perel, is quoted as saying, "Tell me how you were loved, and I will tell you how you make love."  This goes for attracting a partner and transforming a relationship too.

We often keep our attention on what our lover, spouse, partner is NOT doing when we want to change something in our relationship.  Singles also tend to focus outward on the qualities they want in a partner, rather than what they can give to a new romance.  What we focus on is often in response to what is needed to heal from childhood impressions.

If you were abandoned, then you might have that same fear of abandonment with a partner and push them away at times, or keep an emotional distance to protect yourself. 

If you were smothered with attention by one of your parents, then possibly no one else is good enough, has done enough, or could ever do the right thing for you. 

If there was too much fighting in your home, possibly you are always on the defensive, need to feel safe, or are too afraid to share your voice.

If there was no talking in your home, maybe you avoid passionate discourse or any type of communication.

Whatever your upbringing, we unconsciously continue with our habits of survival in both our long term relationships and into the mating game.

RARELY do we look inward to focus on our own BEING or BECOMING that exact thing we want in and from our partners.  Yet, that is precisely what we MUST do if we want to make positive changes or attract the perfect person. 

The question always is HOW?

THREE FIRST STEPS TO ATTRACTING THE PERFECT MATE OR TRANSFORMING YOUR RELATIONSHIP:

1) Start LOOKING WITHIN YOURSELF to know your needs. Do you need safety, abundance, or passion?  Ask yourself why, but don't harbor ill feelings.  Your parents did the best they could!  Then ask yourself how you can feel safer, more abundant, more passionate on your own.  Sometimes it is the very thing we lack, that we demand from our relationships.  This step is truly opening Pandora's Box, but it is worth it!

2) Start FALLING MADLY IN LOVE WITH YOURSELF. Treat yourself like you are your lover, or treat yourself like you'd like a lover to treat you.  Fill yourself up with goodness.  Be good to your body,  be good to your mind, be good to your soul.  Know you are absolutely worth loving.  As the Beatles sing, "The love you take, is equal to the love you make."  You will find that someone can only love you as much as you love yourself.  You will also find, that you can only extend love as far as you love yourself. 

Note: I'm talking about Self-Love not narcissism. Self-Love is self-care.  It is filling up with all the things you want to share with another: love, compassion, kindness, sensuality, sexuality, beauty, abundance.  It is giving and receiving energy. Narcissism, on the other hand, is an energy that sucks people dry without any concern for their well being. 

This step is also difficult for most people.  We are not taught to think about ourselves first.

3) Start LEANING IN WITH CURIOSITY to try to understand yourself and your own habits.  Let's stop making judgements and start asking questions.   Then lets LEAN BACK and ARCH into SURRENDER and start learning how to receive everything as a gift, even the stuff we call bullshit. It is this flow of leaning in, and then surrendering open that is missing in our relationships.  Most of us stay stiff in our opinions, our beliefs, our habits without being curious to why we remain stuck in the same patterns.  Get curious to why you might be feeling a certain way, or why you are reacting a certain way. 

Deepak Chopra would ask you to ask yourself, "Who is in this situation right now? Who is having this feeling?" This allows you to step out of your body to watch on an energetic level the patterns you might be stuck in.

You transform your relationship when you first transform yourself.  No therapist or communications specialist can truly make a difference unless you are willing to look within and have the courage to be honest about who you are at the moment, and how you can make a difference for yourself first. 

Only then can we start to discuss the sexy part! Which of course I always love to do! Stay tuned.